somedays i cant stop thinking and the thoughts run through my head at a million miles an hour and it seems like they are never going to stop, kinda like a run on sentences that goes on for as long as what the average paragraph does and i cant help it but it seems like as soon as one thought begins to come to an end another takes its place and starts running around.
days when the thoughts run like a school playground at lunch time are the days that my anxiety are bad and i feel like everywhere i turn someone is watching me mess up and that every wrong step and every wrong move and every slip of my tongue is being watched and memorized so that everyone knows i fucked up again because they are always trying to watch me fail, everyone wants me to fail but i just tell myself no love, keep your head high because they are just waiting to see you fall.
falling, i have always wondered what it was like to fall and not just physically but mentally as well like when someone falls into depression or falls in love or falls out of love and i am thinking that falling out of love is the worst thing you can ever feel because i have never felt it but i have felt falling in love i think because i really did love him, wait what am i saying, i still love him and i will always love him but i hope someday i will be able to fall out of love with him and replace that space with someone else's love and love someone else and be someone else's completely like i was his.
but there is this guy. his name is evin. whenever i think about him, i slow down. my mind slows, and i complete all thoughts. and i use puncuation and periods. he makes me want to be better, and not worry about everything. he makes me smile, not just because of the butterflies i get in my stomach, but because his sense of humors brighten even my darkest of days. those dark days when my anxiety cling to my brain with their icey claws, digging deeper and deeper at my santity until i almost want to scream and have a panic attack. but then he saves me. he fights off those demons from my mind, because he knows what it is like. he knows what it is like to have to fight yourself. and i am hoping if i can force myself to keep him around for long enough that he will help me win this war... this war with myself.

yesterday was hard. everything about it was a struggle. i am making so many sacrifices for evin.. i really am. but they are ones that need to be made. they are ones that should have been made a long time ago. i sent aaron four texts this morning- four one-thousand character texts- saying i was done. telling him i would always love him, but i was cutting off every mean of contact i had with him. i told him this was goodbye, forever. because i cannot give evin my all in our relationship if he is still in the picture. so i cut him out and burned it. i deleted his number from my phone, deleted him on facebook, blocked him on myspace, and rid of his AIM address. and, as everyone knows, delete is the new dead.
i forwarded our entire conversation to evin. because i am not going to hide anything from him. i forwarded him the texts where i told aaron how much i was starting to fall for evin, and i forwarded him the ones when i told aaron i still loved him. i didnt hide anything. and i forwarded him aaron's responses saying fuck you you stupid bitch and things like that. needless to say, evin was not a happy camper. he wanted to beat the hell out of aaron.
we ended up hanging out last night. he came by the house, met my father, and then we went to his house from seven until eleven.
something was different about last night. well, besides our actions. something about ME was different. for some reason he did not have that same power over me. he didnt have the ability to make me forget my past and make me not worry and make me feel safe and make everything in my life... in this horrible, stupid world perfect. but he is not superman, although at times i may think he is, so i cannot blaim him for it.
i kissed him once, i kissed him twice... okay, who am i kidding, i kissed him about two hundred and fifty times. and while my lips were touching his, suddenly something hit me. words, memories, feelings... things that i dont want to remember. things that haunt me. i remembered aaron and him holding me as evin was now. i remembered him holding my face and looking me in the eyes and telling me he loved me no matter what. and i remembered the heart break of him leaving, though that pain is still there.
he knew something was wrong. he knew i had suddenly shifted. i laid my head on his pillow next to him and he put his hand on my cheek. 'babe, what's wrong? something is wrong? tell me. right now, i am not your boyfriend. i am your bestfriend. you can tell me anything and i will understand, or at least try to. please.. dont keep things from me like you do everyone else. i know you... something is bothering you. what are you thinking about?' and he was right. i needed to tell him. i needed to confide in him, or at least someone. i should tell someone the whole story. but i cant. i cant let myself be in that vulnerable of a situation. i cannot be the weak one.
but obviously, i can. because i did. and he laid there, propped up on one elbow, and looked down at me laying there and almost crying and telling him about how i loved being around him and i loved it when he kissed me and i thought that sometime in the future that i could fall in love with him and that that scared the shit out of me because i dont want to be hurt again. i dont want to put myself in the position to get my heart broken. and he wrapped his arms around me and told me it would be okay because he would never intentionally hurt me.
later in the night he went to the bathroom. and when he was coming back, he was buttoning his pants. so i threw mine at him and made him try them on. he has a girl's butt. i took a picture and everyone i show it to thinks that it is either me or another girl.
that is one of the things that makes me so crazy for him. he is extremely serious and protective of me when his friends are around, because he does not want me to get hurt or anything. but whenever it is just him and i, he lets his guard down a little and is funny and loving and goofy. i love that about him. i love when he grabs jball's face and looks him in the eye intensely and tells him if he 'doesnt slow the fuck down, he will make him pull the car over and procede to beat the hell out of him'. and i love it when he kisses me and then when i look at him he crosses his eyes and sticks his tongue out to the side.
he is protective, as i said... but not in a way that makes me want to fly away. protective in a way that he does what is best for me without being controlling. on our way home last night, he told me that my dad had been drinking because he could tell when he picked me up. and he was. and then he said that he could tell he is mean when he gets drunk. and he is. and he said that if he started yelling at me when i got home, or hit me, or anything like that, to call him because he would walk back to my house if he needed and set things straight. and evin would. but i would never call him when that happens. it happens too often to bother others with it. it is easier to ignore it and get on with my life.
i really dont know what to do, to be honest my dearest diary. i dont know if i should just let myself go, let myself fall, and be weak so i can let him in and see the real me as a whole. can i trust him? he has a past.. he has done things in the past. he has used, cheated, and slept with many.. many girls. he says he has changed. he got off drugs, he hasnt been with a girl in almost a year, and he has been devoted to me for the past two months now. but can people really change? yes, they can. but it is hard. i changed. it took six stupid fucking months for me to change. but i did, and i am proud because of that. i changed the fact that every night i layed awake and cried because i missed him so badly. i changed the fact that i was falling into depression. i changed the fact i hated everyone and couldnt stand to be around anyone. and i changed the fact that all i wanted was him and i didnt trust anyone else. it took me six months. but i did.
it has been a year for him, could he have changed? i hope he has. i hope that if... WHEN i let myself fall, he will be there to catch me. i hope he will love me like aaron did... unconditionally, forever, strong.